Minority
by pariloo
Summary: She mentally noted how he always chewed 4 times with his back teeth before swallowing gingerly. Some may consider this stalking, but Touka thought of it more as.. studying. Her childish observations weren't intentional, after all. And somehow, as weird as it may be, it made her relax. Calmed her pulse. AU where Kaneki and Touka grew up together. (TouKen)
1. Minority

_**October 12th- 8 years old  
><strong>_

Touka was furious; pale cheeks puffed and arms crossed, spitting out words she could barely make out in frustration.

"How exactly is me adjusting how I look an issue?"

Kaneki stood bashfully, equally frustrated, but composed enough to keep the prickling irritation to himself. He bites back the urge to summon biting sarcasm; it's not like his demeanor would let something rash slip past his lips, anyway.

"Y-Yes.. I think you changing isn't necessary, Touka-chan.."

Of course it wasn't compulsory for a eight-year-old to change their attitude for someone. Especially their crush. Which just so happened to be Touka's intention.

The lavender-haired girl crosses her arms across her new dress, glaring at the olive-eyed male, but the way her head is slightly hung low tells Kaneki that she's embarrassed of her current attire. There's a slight tint of pink across her cheeks which seconds the notion.

"I told you, Kaneki! I need to change or else he won't like me! Do you know how important this is to me?"

Kaneki had to swallow an incredibly inappropriate grin of solace; Touka had been working for months to catch the eye of a new exchange student from Washington D.C., which almost always resulted in failure. The only sense of acknowledgement her crush displayed was a nod or maybe a slight smile.

Instead of grinning, the raven-haired boy also of eight years scratches the back of his neck apprehensively.

"Probably not.. But Touka-chan, if he doesn't notice you, then why waste your time trying?"

Touka fumed beautifully.

"Just forget it!"

Kaneki glanced at the colorful, floral-covered frock she were sporting. It fit her nicely, and almost made him blush. After all, seeing Touka in a dress isn't something you see everyday. It sent flurries awake and swirling like a storm in the pit of his stomach.

There's a lengthy silence.

Then his mind flickered to Halloween. It wasn't that far away. Besides, he had something to ask her.

"...Er, Touka-chan."

"Hm."

"Do.. Do you want to go trick-or-treating with me? I thought we could have that contest like last year, y'know, when we saw who's costume was the best."

To Kaneki's dismay, Touka never stood down; but it had paved way for yet another friendly contest. They were, of course, biased when it came to judging themselves, but Halloween night provided a much more meticulous judge. Whoever received the most praises on their costume clearly modeled it better.

"Sure."

"Really?"

"Mhm."

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>October 31st - 12 years old<strong>_

The lollipop in Kaneki's mouth swung from cheek to cheek as his hand dug carefully through the bag of sweets. He had memorized the different shapes of each candy, and was sorting the disgusting ones to the bottom and pulling his favorites to the top.

His other hand gripped loosely at his book, only barely processing the information being fed to him through its writings due to being distracted by all the candy.

Last year, Touka was very adamant about sharing her candy with the boy even when she didn't eat it, (which Kaneki noticed) but seemed to have come around this year. Who knows what sparked Touka's rare kindness, but it Kaneki was sure to appreciate it while it lasted.

Touka was sitting on the edge of Kaneki's bed falsely "eating" some of her own confectionery in a gothic costume, while the black-haired Sherlock Holmes himself was attempting to multitask; he was hunched over his laptop, working on that essay the lavender-haired girl was currently blowing off. It would be trivial to cheese and get a passing grade instead of devoting precious free time to tedious homework.

Touka knew better than to prod at her friend for this and risk her own good mood, so she resigned to enjoying his distant presence.

"Having fun over there?"

Kaneki only smiled crookedly, the lollipop nearly falling from his mouth.

"How far into the assignment are you, Kaneki?"

Kaneki gave Touka a timid look, crushing the rainbow sucker between his molars. "I've only started, Touka-chan."

She scoffed and nodded her head, just as Kaneki knew she would.

"I should have expected as much. Our teachers think you're putting in too much effort, you know."

"Huh?"

"You realize life is more than just grades, right?"

Olive eyes stared at purple ones for a moment in contemplation before nodding and returning to the laptop.

That was that. There never was anything new to say whenever this topic came up (although Touka was always kind enough to reiterate on some points), so there was no need to talk about it more than necessary.

Touka was right, though; Kaneki cared too much about school. It was her belief that the intelligent deserved to be as lazy as they pleased, thus resulting in her blowing off the essay.

"You won't mind if I stay over for a bit, will you?" The girl pops a tootsie roll into her mouth and fakes chewing the chocolate.

Kaneki turned back again, not even mildly surprised. "G-Guess so."

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>December 5th - 14 years old<strong>_

Touka sat on the porch, feet dangling to the side. Her mouth felt dry and tasted of soap without anything to sate her cravings. She'd expected to have something to eat at this point in the night.

The girl thought that standing up to the teasing teenagers would be a good idea, but it had only ended badly for her. Logically, walking away would have been the smart thing to do, but she had been overcome with emotion. No one could make fun of _him_ like that.

She felt close to Kaneki, her only friend besides Yoriko at school. And once Touka had ushered Kaneki to the safety of his house, her kagune came out just like that. Now looking at the horribly red flesh on the gravel made her stomach turn.

At least Kaneki hadn't seen it.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>July 5th - 15 years<strong>_** old**

Kaneki liked this mattress. He had slept on it 492, now 493 times. It wasn't particularly soft, but it was serviceable, and the familiar wear of it made it comfortable.

The blanket, though, was fantastic. It was thick and pillow-y, hosted a strong, quilted surface. The hem was frayed, but not so much that it fell apart as he rolled it between his fingers.

It had been the same blanket Touka and him had shared during a camping trip 6 summers ago. It was a disastrous trip, and as much as Kaneki had soldiered and informed Hide how much fun he had, it was the reason Touka and him would never go camping together again.

He played aimlessly with the hem, silently mouthing eight thousand one hundred ninety two, sixteen thousand three hundred eighty four, thirty two thousand seven hundred sixty eight; sleep was hard to come by, but nights weren't always horrible. It had been a good day.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>September 6th - 16 years old<strong>_

Touka stared at the reading Kaneki over the counter of Anteiku as she filled the pitcher full of milk and ingredients, hitting the 'mix' button to the blender. She noticed the small things. How his light eyes scan smoothly over each paragraph thoroughly, fingers rubbing at the page before leafing the thin, now-dented paper aside.

How it only took around 6 seconds before he rummaged into his pocket to find a good piece of toffee. Maybe after a long dry period, something chewy was always refreshing to him. The strangely intrigued lavender-haired teen gaped at the male as he neatly popped the sweet into his mouth.

She noted how he always chewed 4 times with his back teeth before swallowing gingerly, the refreshment sliding down his esophagus to get lost in the acids of his stomach. Some may consider this stalking, but Touka thought of it more as.. _studying._

Her observations weren't intentional, after all. And somehow, as weird as it may be, it made her relax. Calmed her pulse.

Then her heart-beat quickened as he suddenly turned his head in her direction. He'd probably felt her staring.

She found a smitten expression of his, cheeks dusted a faint salmon as the raven-haired teenager quickly corrected himself, pulling his gaze away as if pretending he hadn't been caught catching a glimpse of her figure. He slouches more casually, bringing the novel closer to his face in an attempt to hide his humiliation.

It was hard to look away when Kaneki seemed so embarrassed about something.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>January 18th - 17 years old<strong>_

Touka wants a kitten. Kaneki needs to stop worrying about school.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>August 24th - 19 years old<strong>_

A new girl came into town. Kaneki likes her.


	2. Chilled Temperatures

Just to clear things up; I'm changing this chapter! I've received a lot of messages in my inbox requesting that I include more of an envious Touka and keep _some _events out of the story to make it happier.

Kaneki will probably stay human the entire story, unless I change my mind. I feel it'll stay better, that way.

So I just decided to redo this chapter entirely. Thank you for reading and understanding. Feedback is always wanted; it helps me uphold the fanfiction to your liking.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>December 10th - 19 years old<strong>_

Touka growled at herself in frustration. She grabbed the jug full of ingredients and jammed it into the blender stage. She stabbed the buttons with a stern digit, eyebrows drawn together. Ever since Kaneki met that damned girl..

She couldn't get him off of her mind.

Just the thought of him hanging out with that.. that _thing_ proclaimed her insides green with envy.

Touka insisted that it was just her mind, the anger that was plagued towards the boy and Rize were her rebellious hormones acting up.

Jealousy served as a more likely candidate.

Turning from her work to observe the two, Touka angrily shoved back the curtain of hair blocking her straining vision only to have it fall back into place again. She narrowed her lavender eyes to slits, trying to make out what they were saying.

Kaneki, was sitting at one of the tables in the café, Rize sitting the seat vacant of him. He's chatting, that cute smile on his face, and Touka can make out a slight flush on his cheeks. Rize appeared to be a shy, slender girl with long lavender hair and an hourglass figure. A feminine feature that Touka lacked.

She was currently wearing a normal attire fit for a young woman, though her outfit was revealing some cleavage, possibly to seduce Kaneki during this artificial 'hang out.' The timid male had reassured Touka the night before that Rize and him were only friends. They were going to have coffee together at Anteiku to just 'hang out.'

The only things that seemed to be hanging out was Rize's breasts as she leaned over to say something to Kaneki, causing the boy to blush and lean back in his chair.

Rize was very attractive and aware of the fact herself. Which pissed Touka off.

Frowning, she finished blending the coffee ingredients, setting the pitcher on the counter without taking her eyes from the couple.

Rize smiles, standing to her feet. She dusts her pretty little skirt off. Giving a wave with her petite hand, the girl emits from the room, heeled shoes clicking on the floor as she leaves Anteiku. Kaneki remains sitting in the chair, looking quite bashful.

Touka bites her cheek, drawing blood in utter anger as she observed him displaying that shy, awkward grin at Rize-san's retreating figure.

In fact, she had been so caught up in observing the two that she hadn't noticed she was overfilling the paper cup with hot coffee for an awaiting costumer. The brown, steaming liquid drained down her fingers clutching at the mug.

It was until a scream rang out from a nearby woman. The lady had noticed Touka subconsciously burning herself, fingers turning a raw red color upon contact of the hot beverage.

_Oh._

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>December 18 - 19 years old<strong>_

Kaneki woke up screaming. His whole body burned. He scratched at his scalp, eyes clamped shut.

_Mom.._

"Kaneki?"

There was a voice, laced with concern. Panting, he looked up, eyelids lifting slowly to reveal timid, olive eyes. Touka sat beside him, staring. She was holding an ice pack in her hand. Kaneki blinked between Touka and the ice, the nightmare a very real thing to him. He reached out, attempting to clutch the fabric of her shirt.

He felt weak, simply because it seemed his limb had a mind of it's own; it fell to his side. He tried to lift it again, reach out to the blue-haired female. It was clear that Kaneki wasn't even aware of his current actions.

She brought a palm up, grasping Kaneki's wrist in a pale hand. It was frigid cold from the crystalline solid.

"Could you at _least_ try to contain your feverish actions?" She snapped.

"F-Fever?"

"Yes. You're having fever dreams. Have been for around the last 6 hours. Why did you have to get sick, now, of all times? Anteiku is bustling down there," Touka lazily explained. "You probably caught if from that 'friend' of yours."

_Rize-san.. _Kaneki closed his eyes, suddenly tired again. He felt hot, too hot, like his insides were bubbling with heat. If what Touka had said was the truth, then he had contracted an infection and needed medical attention immediately.

The cold pack of ice dabbed against his brow.

And the only thought that came to his mind was that he wouldn't want anyone else taking care of him besides Touka-chan.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>December 22th - 19 years old<strong>_

The cold chill of winter flitted through the changing leaves, chasing away the scent of dead fish and the heavy odor of musty snow. Multiple noises rung out during this chilly morning. The steady crunch of gravel gave way to the sound of laughter from the children across the lake. The sound of a rake against the brown grass, then the crinkle of the leaves when they pile up against the jail-like-prongs. Chatting of couples padding by, birds chirping.

The weather was cold enough to forgo jackets, but Touka had forced Kaneki to wear layers upon layers of sweatshirts. He'd still been recovering over a terrible fever, and Touka wanted to keep him from getting sick again. They shouldn't even be outside, not when Kaneki was in this condition. But the boy had suggested it, and the lavender-haired girl couldn't resist the begging look he let crawl into his beautiful, olive eyes.

The secluded dam, hidden by a forest of towering giant oaks and sturdy maples, did everything to hide the treasure but little to hide the glorious sound. The gravel walk was separated by a long lane of grass, still a vibrant green made it look like a road toward the old, study bridge. It was a stark contrast of wood and rock. The flowing water from the lake fed into the sound the falls would make.

The two were already in a discussion of their own.

"It's damn cold out here," Touka scoffs, shrugging into her jacket.

Kaneki only gives a weak smile, that awkward little grin of his. "I don't think I could be cold under 10 layers of clothing, but here I am, shivering."

They're silent for a few moments, and the girl catches herself glancing at Kaneki every once and awhile. The raven-haired stripling's breathes are coming out in wisps of smoke, curling into the air until it disappears into nothingness. His cheeks are flushed with bitter cold, lips chapped as he sweeps a tongue over them in an attempt to warm the crackled skin. She notes how his teeth are chattering, how his hands are shoved so far into his pockets that it almost look as if the fabric would tear.

Touka had always been this observant, even as a young child. She would've taken pride in noticing this much detail, bragged about it. But her stomach clenched at how his knees visibly shook with each step. The cold and fever was taking it's toll on him.

She opened her mouth to offer they turn around and go back to Anteiku before his wavering voice cuts the tip off of her protruding sentence.

"I-I don't mind the cold, T-Touka-chan."

"We're going back."

"N-No! Please!" Kaneki suddenly yelled, throwing himself towards her, causing them to nearly fall over. Touka digs her heels into the snow, hands landing onto his shoulders to steady him. They both stare at each other with widened eyes before Kaneki slowly turns and begins walking again, leaving her a few paces behind.

"I-I want to see the water, Touka-chan.."

A few minutes later of silent padding, the stretch of water comes into view.

Crossing the bridge with the noises of scuffing feet against wood, leaves go on their grand adventure down the falls to their last home, drifting across the lake's water. It lay ahead, a thin sheet of ice succumbing the surface.

Touka tightened her scarf around her neck as a cold wind blew past her form, the surrounding ground dusted by a thick layer of snow that had fallen the night before. She didn't even notice that Kaneki wasn't standing beside her.

A gasp of shock caught on Touka's lips once something smacked against the back of her head, tiny bits of coldness falling under her scarf and down the back of the coat. She didn't have to turn around to know who had thrown the snowball. The obnoxious, nervous laugh of her ill friend resonated from behind her quietly.

"Oi! Kaneki?!" The moment her eyes found the assailant, she was stooping down to crush the soft white powder at her feet into a snowball of her own. But she wasn't fast enough, as two more hit her square in the shoulders.

Oh, this meant _war_.

Without another thought, Touka began running forward with extreme speed and shot the projectile out, lowering her body and grabbing more handfuls of snow as soon as she had done so. Kaneki let out a surprised yelp as the first one hit his side, the cry quickly followed by feeble laughing as he turned tail and took shelter behind a tree.

Something inside Touka knew that throwing snowballs at Kaneki while he was sick and already freezing to death wasn't the best answer to this problem. But she couldn't help herself.

She neared, but Kaneki held his ground rather than running. Suspicions rising, the black-haired boy gathered more snow in his hands as she drew closer, making his ammo as large as he could manage. Once Touka was a few paces away from the tree, Kaneki suddenly shot out with a good half dozen snowballs cradled in his left arm, another already brandished in his right hand. A short squeak left Touka as the first of the volley hit her, but she didn't back down.

The blue-haired girl let the snowball clenched in her right hand fly, easily hitting Kaneki across the side of the head, (thanks to the now close proximity) and then thrust her hand out to grab the collar of her opponent's sweatshirt.

"T-Touka-chan!," Kaneki breathed as he realized Touka's intent a second too late to stop it. She gathered a large clump of snow into her pallid palm before shoving it down his many layers of fabric. Not giving it time to just fall out the bottom, the boy quickly pushed against Touka's wool overcoat to crunch the frozen water against her chest. Just as planned, it easily soaked through the clothing.

"Hey!" She reared back, hair falling into her face. Kaneki would've thought her current expression was sexy if it wasn't the meaning behind it. Her eyes were narrowed and just as cold as the snow itself, bangs sweeping to the side in the bitter wind, cheeks flushed pink from the freezing temperature.

Kaneki lets his guard down completely and takes this moment to stick his now-trembling hands up the loose, heavy shirt from the bottom; it was a small attempt in trying to scrape out the snow, resulting in giving Touka a lovely view of his lightly toned stomach in the process.

The tips of Touka's ears reddened slightly, and as much as she'd like to stand there and stare, she couldn't let this opportunity slip away. Oh no, that would be criminal.

Kaneki still with his shirt lifted and the lower area of his torso bare, Touka pounced forward and grabbed him around the chest, easily knocking him off balance so that they toppled to the white-infested ground. A stream of stuttering sentences and the repeated word "cold" flew from Kaneki's mouth as he wriggled under Touka's unyielding grasp.

"I-I give! Y-You win!" He gasps, the cold soaking into every part on his body. He was positive he would die. He couldn't feel his fingers, his toes were numb in his shoes, muscles sore, and a raging headache was stirring up the nerves in his brain.

"Will you buy me a coffee?"

"Y-Yes, I'll buy you a c-coffee!"

Touka towered over Kaneki for a moment, staring into his puzzled olive eyes, her hot breath skidding across his cheek, stirring his black locks. They were like that for a moment before she realized her staring, jumping up to her feet and brushing herself off.

Her cheeks heated up as she held out a hand for Kaneki to take.

Weakly, the boy reaches out and grasps Touka's outstretched palm bashfully, blushing just as brightly.

"You're mean, Touka-chan," his breathes shakily, knees threatening to buckle underneath him in any given moment. He began to feel dizzy.

"So was hitting me in the back of the head with a snowball!"

"I-I think you need to make it up to me."

Touka cocked a perfectly arched eyebrow. "Oh? But you already agreed to buy me a coffee."

Instead of replying, Kaneki shoved one of his hands down the back of Touka's jacket. The girl gasped in shock and betrayal as she felt snow being crushed against the flat expanse of her shoulder blades, drops of melted water dripping down after having been warmed in Kaneki's hand which had been kept out of her view. She shudders.

"T-There." Kaneki chatters, managing another awkward grin, although his face is beginning to feel numb. He's swaying from side to side, and Touka notices.

Resisting the urge to get him back, she places both hands on the boy's shoulders to keep him from falling. She almost flinches at how she can feel his skin radiating the same heat. His fever has returned, worse than before.

"Let's go back to the café so you can rest. And once you're better, I'm going to expect two coffees from you for that."

And Touka couldn't help but smirk at the thought that it was _her_ who was with Kaneki, who had finished a small snowball fight with him.

And not Rize.


	3. A Sleepless Slumber

_**December 24th- 19 years old**_

Somehow everything seems to be moving slower in the winter.

Traffic in Tokyo is less noisy, the aggressive sounds of roaring engines muted by the white isolation all around. Kaneki likes watching snow fall from the sky, tiny ice crystals and big, heavy patches alike drifting slowly down to Earth where they create a veil of cold silence. As if looking through a time-influencing binocular, his eyes follow people crossing the muddy gray street outside; some hurrying to catch the bus, little children trudging behind their parents and pointing excitedly at the displays behind shop windows, elderly people shuffling along slowly, stopping from time to time to take a long breath before continuing on their way.

Kaneki's warm breath hits the windowpane with every open-mouthed exhale, fogging it up and blurring everything behind it. Cold fingers uncurl, extracting themselves from the fuzzy sleeve of his hoodie to draw patterns on the moist glass.

The steady ticking of the clock and soft squeaky noises from where skin meets glass are the only sounds breaking the silence. December has always brought this calm sense of wonder with it that fascinates him, makes him look forward to the cold time of year every year.

A low, breathy sigh. This year is an exception.

And the problem was, he couldn't get his mind off of Touka after that snowball fight.

How they collapsed with each other on the ground, her warm exhale sweeping over the frigid skin of his cheek. How she looked at him with those eyes.

When they got back to Anteiku, she made some coffee and sent him up to bed, where she watched over him for the night, dabbing at his brow with a cold washcloth as he swam in and out of consciousness.

He was better, now, but still had a cough and stuffy nose.

Olive eyes flick away from the white-gray of the outside world to scan the calender on the wall.

December twenty-fourth. Christmas Eve.

He should be happy. He should be hurrying to run some last-minute errands, or calling friends. He isn't supposed to be hanging by the window alone on a day like this.

Another sigh makes its way past his chapped lips. He's been chewing on them a lot again lately, picking that habit back up after working hard for over a year to get rid of it. He closes his eyes for a moment, a feeble attempt at running away from the memories of the past year invading his mind. It's useless.

No matter how hard he tries, once the door to that particular part of his memory has been unlocked, there's no going back.

With every blink of an eye a new image flashes before him—violet eyes glowing when the sun hits them, smooth, pale skin showing over the hem of a tomboyish shirt, a perfect row of pearly teeth, only ever showing during a scoff, or in rare occasions, a genuine smile. After a while, sounds bubble up, too. A growl of annoyance, a sharp intake of breath, a snicker—

Strands of black hair fall into his eyes as he shakes his head to clear his mind, willing the memories to go away.

Touka was somewhere tonight. She had explained to Kaneki that she was going to hang out with Yoriko and Hinami. Hide was busy doing family stuff. The boy stares out the window again, deliberately ignoring the little 'T's he'd drawn at the bottom.

This isn't his first Christmas alone, though. His mom is dead, so.

Last year Touka said she was "busy." And the year before that. And the year before that. And all the years before that. He couldn't help but wonder what she did when she was "busy."

And Hide? Hide does family stuff on Christmas every year, so he was out of the question.

With the cuff of his hoodie, Kaneki wipes the breath-induced condensation off the window before he shuffles through the apartment. He passes the kitchen on his way, the bathroom, and the living room.

The bed sheets are cold when he lowers himself onto the bed. With his nose buried in the pillows, he lets his eyes slip closed, breathing in deep and slow. The stale scent of camomile detergent lingers in the fabric even though he can't remember the last time he washed the pillow case. But, he knows that the empty detergent package is still somewhere in the washroom in the basement. He refuses to throw it away because it reminds him of the time Touka had told him she liked smelling it on him. For what feels like the millionth time that day, he sighs.

Minutes, hours tick away without him moving. His feet, his hands, his whole body is cold by the time he finally pulls the blanket up to hide beneath it. The room is dark, so dark, getting darker every minute. The streetlights flicker on one by one without him noticing, the wind picking up and batting flocks of snowflakes around.

He knows he could have told Touka. That he wanted to hang out with her for one Christmas, but like so many times before he had put someone else's well-being above his own. He didn't tell Touka he wanted her to stay with him for Christmas Eve. This is his own fault.

Thoughts keep racing in his head, and when they start slowing down, _finally_, he's on the brink of sleep.

Kaneki's eyelashes are wet when he opens his eyes to the sound of his cellphone buzzing on the bedside table. He had another nightmare, but this time it was about his friends dying. Why was he dreaming that?

He blinks the salty drops clinging to his lashes away to clear his vision of the device when he grabs it. The artificial light blinds him at first, but his eyes go wide when he reads the message he'd received.

**_From: Touka_**

**_Where are you?_**

A few seconds later another one comes in. He sits there, wondering if he should answer.

_**From: Touka**  
><em>

_**Kaneki, answer me.**_

Kaneki doesn't know what to feel first. That nightmare must've shaken him up a lot.

Another message about 30 seconds later.

**_From: Touka_**

**_I lied. I'm not hanging out with Yoriko or Hinami. I'm all by myself and I want to hang out._**

His phone vibrates again, robbing him of any chance to collect himself.

**_From: Touka_**

**_Kaneki? What are you doing? You never told me you were busy on Christmas Eve. Or are you just ignoring me? Listen, I understand if you're mad at me for lying.  
><em>**

The flow of messages stops. He waits. The crunching of snow outside tells him a car is pulling into the street.

His brain is telling him to turn the phone off. Turn it off and go to sleep, because he's actually tired. And then his phone vibrates again. Every time a new one comes in, his breath catches, if only a little bit.

_**From: Touka**_

_**Fine. Ignore me, loser.**_

_Kaneki wonders if he should just text back now.  
><em>

**_From: Touka_**

**_Seriously, Kaneki. I'm bored.  
><em>**

There's another pause. Kaneki reads over the last text again and again. "If I answer now, she might figure out that I've been getting them the whole time. Then she'll become angry at me for not replying on purpose.." He whispers into the sheets, his own breath hitting the fabric before it wafts over his skin. Then, a new text.

_**From: Touka**_

_**Oi. Do you want me to say sorry or something? C**_**_ould you at least do me a favor?_**

In all honesty, Kaneki had no idea why he hadn't answered the text from the start. He just sits there, frozen. A favor? He frowns, contemplating turning his phone off after all, but when the weight in his palm buzzes again, he's already reading.

_**From: Touka**_

_**At least open the damn door for me. It's freezing out here.  
><strong>_

Kaneki freezes, eyes impossibly large, breath catching in the back of his throat. There's a knock.

He doesn't know what greater power gives him the strength to get up and pad over to the door, his bare feet thudding on the cold floor.

Fingers clasp around the door handle, and then he opens the door, really not knowing what to expect standing on his doorstep.

It's her.

Touka's hair is wet, snowflakes caught in the soft strands. Her nose and lips are cherry red. An overnight bag is soaking in the snow at her feet, but all Kaneki can look at is her face. Violet eyes cold and stony, she stares right back. Icy air blows through the hall.

"Touka-chan—"

"It's about time."

"What are you doing here?"

She steps inside without permission, setting the bag by the door and brushing off the snow from her coat. Kaneki watches helplessly as the flakes fall and melt onto the hardwood floor.

"I'm staying the night. I'm lonely."

Kaneki blinked once. Twice. And then shooed her down the hallway to his room before he changed his mind.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>December 24th - 19 years old (10:56 P.M.)<strong>_

The two chatted for around 3 hours. They sipped cold coffee, watched two movies, and even joked with each other. Once the clock hit 10:30, Touka announced that she was tired and went off to bed. Kaneki followed suit after finishing a T.V. show about cosplayers. It was quite interesting.

But once he'd turned off all the electronics, it was that moment when he noticed how freezing it was. Upon entering his room, he was also greeted with Touka sitting straight up, glaring at the door.

The cold resulted in them sharing the same bed to keep warm.

It was his idea, of course. Not to mention that it was exceptionally awkward at first, their bodies feeding off the warmth the others skin was admitting. But then it began to feel normal as time slowly ticked by.

Kaneki, although, was naturally an insomniac. It took a long time for him to fall asleep. Usually he'd be perusing a book at this hour, but he'd settled into bed and didn't feel like climbing out from under the warm covers to retrieve the novel he was currently reading. Plus, the air outside the mattress was freezing.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>December 24th - 19 years old (11:58 P.M.)<strong>_

Touka managed to get herself into some incredibly ridiculous position. She started out fine, but it seemed as soon as Kaneki would finally start drifting off to sleep, she'd yank the blanket over or kick the raven-haired boy in the crotch. This would go on for a few minutes until Touka would finally settle down, hopelessly tangled up with either Kaneki or the blanket. She would even wound up with her head under her pillow. A few choice times it was Kaneki's.

As long as she didn't thrash around the whole night, Kaneki would be okay. Sure, he might wind up sleeping in some awkward position with one or more of Touka's limbs tangled up with his own, but that was fine. Better than freezing half to death.

But it was surely unreasonable.

First, she'd managed to orient herself in such a way that her head was almost off the side of the bed. After ten minutes, she'd suddenly kicked him right off the mattress before sliding off of it herself. It was humorous the first couple times, as Kaneki never expected Touka to develop such sleeping habits; but after around eight times of it happening, he couldn't help but feel agitated.

He had heaved a sigh and slowly picked himself up from where he'd been kicked, crawling over to the other side and prodding at the lavender-haired girl.

This turned out to be a huge mistake, and all he got in return was a firm clout in the side by her foot.

Kaneki huffed and reached over to brush a strand of hair from her face.

This, of all things, woke her up.

"Shit!" Touka hissed, twisting to the side a little and falling onto the floor completely. "Kaneki! What the hell!"

"You have no proof that that was my fault," Kaneki whispered. "Get off the floor."

Kaneki had received no response, but a minute later she was reluctantly dragging herself back into the bed next to him. She was so stubborn about it, that he had to actively keep himself from laughing. Which he failed at.

_And of course she heard his little snickers._

"What?" Touka huffed.

"You're a wild sleeper, Touka-chan," He murmured in return, rather amused, shaking his head.

"Whatever."

Smiling to himself like an idiot, Kaneki turned around to face the opposite way. After he'd settled down, it seemed Touka did, too.

Kaneki didn't fall asleep as he had earlier, and instead he ending up lying there thinking. Not really about anything in particular, mostly about his day. He was just drifting off when his mind flickered to something else. Sitting up and ignoring the groan of protest from the mattress, he strained his eyes to see the clock in the corner of the room. The digits glowed on it's surface, lighting up the small area of bedside table surrounding it.

12:01 A.M.

Grinning, he leaned down to Touka's form, whispering into her ear,

"Merry Christmas, Touka-chan."

He was hit in the face with a pillow.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>December 25th - 19 years old<strong>_

Kaneki woke up the next morning with Touka nowhere to be found. At first he grew terribly worried. He'd sat up and looked around groggily for a few seconds before spotting the girl crumpled on the floor. He let out a sigh and rolled his eyes cheekily, scooting over to the edge of the bed and jabbing her in the ribs a couple times.

It took a few tries, but he eventually got her to get her ass up to start the day. Everything started out normal as usual, but Kaneki couldn't help but feel that something was a little different. No one was acting weird, and nothing strange was happening, but he still felt like something was off. Maybe it was because it was because it was Christmas. Who knows?

By breakfast, he was sure it was _something_ regarding Touka. Something. He noticed a certain look on her face; the way she carried herself when she walked. Even something seemed off about the way she leaned forward just the slightest bit when she yawned and rubbed her eyes with the heels of her palms.

There was a lot of nice things about Touka that Kaneki found himself noticing, too. He'd caught himself staring at her more than he'd like to admit. When she sipped at her coffee, Kaneki would pause from eating his cereal and watch the faces Touka executed while talking. She was always so animated when chatting – one second she could be smiling that rare smile, and then the next she'd be scowling and rambling on about some comment that was made. Her eyes were nice, too. Yeah.

Kaneki kept looking at her from time to time, just taking in all of her features. Sometimes Touka would notice, and she'd look back at Kaneki and scoff at him before going back to talking.

It made Kaneki feel as if he were about to go into cardiac arrest.

Then on, he tried not to look at her too much – she was bound to ask about it at some point, and he sure as hell didn't have a good answer.

It was when they were sitting on the couch watching a documentary on sea otters when Touka suddenly spoke up.

"What's up with you today?" She asked. "You seem distant."

"I have?" Kaneki asked, although he wasn't paying much attention. The window giving a view of the falling snow gathering on the ground seemed more interesting.

"Yeah," She said, starting to look suspicious. "Is there something on your mind? Is it because it's Christmas?"

Snapping from his thoughts, Kaneki scratches at his eye curiously. "I haven't been doing anything weird, Touka-chan.."

"If you say so," she muttered, and casually went back to watching the television as if nothing had happened.

Only about four minutes had past before Kaneki heaved a sigh, hair falling into his eyes.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah." Touka had kept her eyes locked on the screen. It was until she realized that he wouldn't start talking until he had her full attention when she turned to face him. Instead of just turning her head, though, she swivels her whole body.

"What?"

"Would you be mad," he began slowly, "if your best friend didn't get you a present for Christmas this year?"

She blinks, sighing. That glossy curtain of hair falls into her eyes. "Is that what this is all about?"

His face adopts a look that's rather bashful. "Y-Yeah?..."

Touka pulls her knees up to her chest, setting her chin on top. The one eye that wasn't covered from those blue strands falls on him.  
>"I don't care if you didn't get me a present, Kaneki. I didn't get you one, either."<p>

Kaneki blinked. So she was as guilty as he was? That relieved him, somewhat. "Oh."

"Yeah."

There was a hefty silence between them, and Kaneki would much rather return his gaze to the documentary on dang sea otters than focus on Touka's relentless stare.

"I don't need a present, Kaneki. Having a friend like you is good enough."

Now _that _almost made Kaneki roll off the couch. His heart picked up speed as he scratched the back of his neck sheepishly. A slack grin makes an appearance on his face as he fights for an answer.

"W-Well, I don't need one, either. Same with you."

He thought he'd saw a blush crawl onto her cheeks, but she turned away too quickly, facing the T.V. that now had a commercial about a "magic" flyswatter playing on the screen. She scoffed.

Kaneki couldn't help but grin, spinning to face the ad as well.

_I guess we're in the same boat, huh, Touka-chan? _

"I could buy you a magic flyswatter?"

He was hit in the face with a pillow again.


	4. Boiling Heat (Hotter)

**Note: **Thank you all for your wonderful reviews! It really motivates me to write more of this. Next chapter will be a few months later, concentrating more on Anteiku, with Hinami. And of course, with more TouKen. Kaneki might make a move, heuheuheu.

Thank you for reading and supporting me throughout the making of this fanfic. It means so much. I read every one of your reviews and always take them into consideration. This chapter is pretty bad as I wrote it in 20 minutes, due to the fact that I won't be able to update for awhile. Please bear with me. As always, I hope you enjoy nonetheless and I wish you a great week!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>December 29 - 19 years old<strong>_

The ceiling is fading in and out of focus. The male's head is heavy, his vision is blurry, heart strained. There is a distinct flavor of sudden panic lodged somewhere underneath his tongue and he's fighting to remember where it came from. Kaneki sits up and doesn't remember why he was lying down.

He looks around and takes in his surroundings. He's lying on a bed draped in damask black and worn purple. The floor is covered in thick, rich carpet the color of a setting summer sun. It's warm in this room. It's the same size as the one Kaneki occupies at his own apartment.

He was in.. Touka's room?

And then he remembers. He was sick, still, and no one wanted him to stay at Anteiku to get everyone else ill, (no matter how kindly Hinami tried to put it) and there was no way the human could care for himself. So Touka, his closest friend, had taken him to her apartment to stay until he got better.

It smelled like rain and snow.

Kaneki remembers events from the night before completely, now. He had watched the sun drop under the horizon, watched it splash browns and reds and yellows and oranges into the world outside his window. One of the most beautiful sunsets he's seen in his entire life. A million leaves from a hundred different branches dipped in the wind, fluttering with the false promise of flight. The gust catches their withered wings only to force them downward, forgotten, left to be trampled by the kids playing across the street. Watching things like this for so long caused him to wake up late.

Not this morning.

Today, at 6:51 A.M., the room was heavy with the scent of wet stone, upturned soil; air sweet and earthy. Kaneki managed to gather the strength to tiptoe his way to the window, only to press his nose against the cool surface. Feel his breath fog up the glass. Closes his eyes to the sound of a soft putter-patter rushing through the wind. Raindrops are the only reminder that clouds have a heartbeat. That he does, too.

He presses his palm to the small pane of glass and feels the cold clasp his hand in a familiar embrace. They are both alone, both existing as the absence of something else.

Kaneki always wonders about raindrops.

He wonders about how they're always falling down, tripping over their own feet, breaking their legs and forgetting their parachutes as they tumble out of the sky toward an uncertain end.

So now he's sitting by the window, watching the rain and the leaves and snow collide. They take turns dancing in the wind, performing choreographed routines for unsuspecting masses. And that's when Kaneki wished he could stuff his hot, parched mouth full of raindrops and fill his shirt with tons of chalky snow. Wish he could trace the veins in a fallen leaf with a finger and feel the wind pinch his nose.

The boy was burning up, and anything freezing seemed like a dream out of reach.

He squints up at the early morning light. Someone had picked up the sun and pinned it to the sky again, but for the last few days, it seemed to hang a little lower. It was almost like a negligent parent who only knew half of who you are. It never sees how its absence changes people. How different someone is in the dark.

Why was Kaneki feeling this way? Must've been the fever.

And the illness was making him feel delusional, to be honest.

Touka had left last night to get some medication, and hasn't returned. Kaneki was worried to death.

"Oi."

His eyes snap up. Speaking of Touka- Oh, there she was. Good.

And suddenly Kaneki feels as if he's on fire. Flames are licking at his skin and there's a burst of heat clawing through his stomach. Sickness held him in it's grasp once again. Giving an insurmountable cough, the raven-haired boy expresses a look between frustration and relief.

"W-Where have you b-been, T-Touka-chan?" His lips curve around the shape of her nickname. He's surprised to suddenly discover how much he loved the easy, familiar way it rolled off his tongue.

The lavender-haired girl sets down a plastic bag that had been in her hand onto the edge of the bed- her bed. Her glossy veil of hair falls into her face, in which she tucks behind her ear so carelessly. The dark hair Kaneki grew to love.

"Getting your medicine. The snow caused a lot of traffic.. Here." Her eyes are careful as she takes a plastic water bottle out of the bag and unscrews the top, holding it out for him. In the other hand lay a white pill.

Kaneki squints up at her soft stature, a deadpan look on her face. His bones are begging for something he cannot allow.

The teen then glances downwards at the little antibiotic tucked in Touka's plush hand, then at the water bottle clutched in the other. He reaches for them both with numb fingers, sweat leaving a trail of wetness behind his ear. It was hot in here. Too hot. He's positive someone is trying to rip his skin off.

She sits down on the bed next to him, a groan coming from the springs of the mattress. He rolls towards her slowly as it attempts to level the sudden weight with his own.

Popping the antibiotic onto the carpet of his steaming tongue, Kaneki guzzles down the water like a child drinking a warm glass of milk. He finishes the entire thing in seconds, setting the empty plastic onto his lap with a crinkle. More sweat beads above his eyebrow.

Touka's face is cast in a neutral mold, although there's a small curve to her lips which is calculated concern.

"How are you feeling?"

"Hot."

"How did you sleep?"

"Hot."

"Is that all you're going to say to me?"

"Hot."

Touka wrinkles up her nose in irritation, letting free a sigh. She takes the bottle from him and places the back of her (freezing) hand up to his forehead. "You're still burning up."

"Hot."

"Shut up."

Kaneki carves his lips into a weak smile at her fickle response, that dumb grin of his directed up towards her. That dumb, lopsided grin that made something in Touka's joints ache with an acute yearning. She flexes her jaw.

"Idiot."

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>January 7th - 19 years old<strong>_

"Remember, keep your scarf wrapped tightly around your neck. Make sure your jacket is on completely."

An audible intake of breath is his only response. He hasn't been outside in days.

Kaneki Ken had finally gotten rid of his fever, but a cold remained. Touka had kindly accepted the task in trying to keep him from getting sick again. Yoshimura had given the okay of letting Kaneki go outside and get some fresh air, but there was no way in hell the girl was letting him grow ill again.

She opens the door for the older boy and Kaneki steps out, boot crunching on a cluster of snow that had gathered on the doorstep.

The air hits him first.

Kaneki can't inhale fast enough. He fills his lungs with the feeling; squeezes his way into the cold breeze and clutches a fistful of wind as it weaves its way through his fingers.

Bliss unlike anything he'd ever known.

The oxygen was crisp and cool. A refreshing bath of tangible nothing that stung his eyes and snapped at his skin. The sun was high today, blinding as it reflected the small patches of snow keeping the earth frozen. His eyes are pressed down by the weight of the bright light and he can't see through more than two slits. Although, the warm rays wash over his body, sweeping over him like a coat fitted to his thin form.

Touka's touch shocks him back to reality. Kaneki jumps out of his skin and she catches him by the shoulders.

Her eyes blister with satisfaction at his reaction.

They're the same old orbs he recalls since he was a kid, the comforting color of sun-bleached morning glories accompanied by the deepest of indigo.

Her hands are gentle, so gentle.

Kaneki feels a red blush burning up his neck and onto his face.

"How is it?" She asks, face pale, cheeks pink, chapped lips telling Kaneki to lean in. He doesn't.

"Hot."

Lips pursing together, Touka creates a fist and rams it into his stomach. Kaneki gasps and hunches over, taking gulps of air. Somehow he's still managing to smile at his joke as if it were the funniest thing in the world.

"Idiot! That's not funny anymore!" Her voice is laced with rage, eyebrow twitching with agitation.

Gathering himself together, Kaneki gives a small laugh, cheeks and nose pink. "R-Really? I thought it was pretty funny."

This receives the usual scoff from the girl. A nice sound to his ears.

And that's when she reaches down and begins picking up handfuls of snow into her hands, molding the white fluff together. Kaneki knew what was coming next. Eyes widening and grin fading, he holds his hands up in surrender.

"N-No! I didn't mean it!"

Too late.

The snowball had clocked him on the side of the face.

And then he reaches down and throws snow on her.

Thus begins another snowball fight.

Touka runs, bounding over rocks and roots jutting over the soil from trees. Kaneki follows, holding snow cupped in his hand. His knees still felt weak. Inhaling sharply, his nose begins to run as he slows to a walk. Wiping his sinus with a glove, the boy hollers,

"H-Hey! No..fair.."

He stands in silence, trying to catch his breath. A coughs racks his body, and just as he looks up with watering eyes, there's no time to dodge the incoming bulldozer of which is Touka.

She pummels him over and Kaneki naturally takes the brunt of the fall. They roll in the snow, a tangle of waving arms and legs. Kaneki, this time, tries to break free of her grasp. This causes the girl to dig her fingernails into his wrists, attempting to stop them from their current tumbling across the frigid ground.

"Dumbass!" Her voice is muffled, merely because her face is currently locked into the bundle of fabric near his shoulder.

Her grip only constricts at this point. This causes Kaneki to yelp and flip even more in an attempt to free himself of Touka's wrath. Hooking a leg around the back of her calf, he spins himself over with a grunt of labor.

He finds himself straddling the girl, holding her arms above her head, breathes coming out in wisps of smoke. A fringe of black hair is covering most of his vision. Touka's own breath is curling into the air, hair stirring in the wind, brushing against Kaneki's flushed cheeks as he tries to regain lost stamina.

"T-Touka-chan.. that.. was.. so mean...!"

The girl's only response is a grunt as she shoves him off of her. He catches himself with his hands, staring at her with those olive eyes.

She's blushing with both fury and humiliation, attempting to brush out the flakes of snow that are tangled in her blue strands. Vexation is pulsing in her veins.

"I didn't mean for that to happen! I was just trying to knock you off your damn feet-"

She's silenced by a sudden blow of powdery snow being flung into her face, nipping at her skin harshly. Blinking the clumps of snowflakes from her dark lashes, she can make out the damned human sitting there, a wry, shit-eating grin on his profile.

Kaneki had taken her off guard for once.

Oh.

This.

Meant.

_War._


	5. Shattered

_**February 16 - 19 years old**_

"Kaneki, I need to tell you something. It's really important."

Touka had dragged the raven-haired boy from his apartment to go window shopping. Kaneki had noticed Touka seemed a bit more uptight, tense, observing as the girl's fingers ran a nervous marathon down her thigh before clutching at the fabric. She had pulled him away from a book store just to round a corner to leave them standing alone in a long alley by the side of the bricked building. He had been confused.

Now she couldn't meet his gaze, avoiding any contact with those puzzled, olive eyes. The blue-haired female was clutching trembling fists, eyes pointed downwards, glaring at the damp sidewalk that was under their feet.

Kaneki tilts his head, reaches out to her. "Touka-chan? Are you-"

The girl rams her back against the brick, faced molded into one of emotional turmoil. She clamps her eyes shut, wavering voice swishing past her lips in a hiss.

"Don't touch me."

Kaneki pulls his hand back, the limb falling to his side. He presses his lips together, eyebrows slightly furrowing; concern marked his features, burying itself into his pettiness of frame.

"Touka-chan..?"

In one swift movement, she swings her arm forward and grabs him by the front of his jacket, pulling onward with a force so harsh that Kaneki was sure he'd broken his neck. Hair swinging from her face in the bitter wind, those eyes are revealed; except they weren't her eyes. Kaneki was sure they weren't her eyes, because the usual purple color was gone and replaced by a blood red pupil spiking with an emotion he couldn't determine.

"I'm a ghoul."

Kaneki had stood perfectly still.

Every inch of his skin was taut with tension, fraught with feeling and the pressure was building in his chest, pounding louder and faster and harder, overcompensating for his stillness. He can't bring himself to tremble when he's frozen in time. He counts things that do not exist, makes up numbers that he does not have, pretends time is a broken hourglass bleeding seconds through sand. He dares to believe.

He dares to _hope_ that Touka is joking.

But then she takes a tight breath and tries to make herself look at him in the face, but she can't, Kaneki notices. Instead she whispers an apology and lets him go. Kaneki listens, tensed, to the sorry sound her words make. He watches at loss for something to say as she clenches her shaking fingers at her sides. He swallows so hard that it can be heard in the daft silence between them.

Touka doesn't say anything more. Instead her hair falls into her face once again, strands waving in the billowing wind as she leans against the wall. She welcomes the cold and pain of the brick digging into her spine, sinking to the ground; her knees are pulled up to her chest and the heels of her shoes press into the concrete stretching underneath them. Her eyes feel shiny, damp.

Kaneki doesn't know why. He doesn't know what urges him to do so, what powerful energy had forced his body to move. But it does. Kaneki Ken swivels on his feet and runs away.

* * *

><p><strong><span><em>February 19 - 19 years old<em>**

The world might be sunny-side up today.

That big ball of yellow might be spilling into the clouds, runny and yolky and blurring into the bluest sky, bright with cold hope and false promises about fond memories. Real families, hearty breakfasts, stacks of pancakes drizzled in maple syrup sitting on a plate in a world that doesn't even exist anymore.

Or maybe not.

It's actually dark and wet today, whistling wind so sharp that it stings the skin off the knuckles of grown men. Maybe it's snowing, maybe it's raining. Maybe the earth was quaking apart to make room for their mistakes.

Kaneki wouldn't have any idea.

He doesn't have a window anymore. Well, he does. It just doesn't have a view; for the past two days, he's kept the curtains drawn over the glass, staying enclosed in his apartment.

It's a million degrees below zero in his blood. At least it seemed.

Since that day, Kaneki has been sitting in his room and staring at the 4 blank walls. His mind tells himself that Touka is just lying, it's not real, it's not real, it's not _real_. But most of the time a heavy sense of fear streaks across his skin and Kaneki can't seem to break free of the claustrophobia clutching at his throat.

Ideas are carried in pockets, thoughts propped up on the tips of every tongue. Yet he still didn't know what to say to her. _Her. _

_"I'm a ghoul." _

All Kaneki knows is that Touka's words were still caught in his chest and he can't seem to cough out the cold or the truth hacking at the back of his esophagus.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>February 21 - 19 years old<strong>_

Another boring day at work.

Touka tried not to let him enter her mind. She didn't want to give in to the torture of thinking about him. But she couldn't help it. Even as she was pouring the foam into a coffee creating the shape of a cat (which had nothing to do with _him_) that black-haired boy still entered the floodgates leading to her brain.

She scoffs as she places the top onto the paper cup. Then slamming the bottom on the counter harder then needed, her lavender orbs roll up to observe the other coffee consumers sitting and chatting at their own tables. Touka shuffles silently over to another section behind the counter and grabs a towel, picking up the washed mugs and drying them. Her eyes flicker to the door as the bell rings and she nearly drops the cup she's drying.

It's him.

It's him.

It's him it's him it's him it's him it's him.

She bites down on her tongue so hard that it draws blood.

And, to her dismay, he looks up and they lock eyes. As quick as she could muster, she whips around, pulse augmenting to an irregular beat.

Touka has begun to shake.

Her body is suddenly fighting a maelstrom of emotions, brain plagued by the world she's losing and pained by this boy who probably doesn't want to be friends now. This boy was her closest friend. Not anymore, she guessed.

The coffee mug stumbles its way to the floor and shatters with a crack. Despite the loud noise, the girl doesn't seem to notice. She was a monster. He was going to report her to the CCG and that would be it. The real task was trying to keep her gaze at her feet, steady her breathing.

Ice is slicing off chunks from her skin, horror clotting her veins.

Most of all, she's terrified at her lack of self-control. Touka can't make herself still.

Looking down at the shattered glass on the floor, she manages to crouch down and forces herself to begin collecting the pieces one by one, fingers numb.

_He's right there. Right there._

And then his hand is suddenly in front of her, brushing against her own.

His touch scorches her skin and Touka inhales so fast that her lungs collapse. She's caught in colliding currents of confusion, so desperate _so desperate so desperate _to be close, so desperate to be far away.

She doesn't know how to move away from him, so instead her head snaps up and she stares into those greenish-grey pale eyes of his. Those unblemished, olive eyes, untouched by most of the world's harsh realities. So innocent.

"..Touka-chan."

His voice is soft so soft so soft.

And before Touka can stop, put her hands out in front of her and push him away, Kaneki pulls her figure close to him and she shatters.

Two three four fifty thousand pieces of feeling stab her in the heart, melting into drops of warm honey that soothe the scars in her worried soul. Touka can hear the beats humming deep in his chest. The steel of his arms around her body severs all ties to the tension in her limbs, his heat melting the imaginary icicles propping her up from the inside out and she thaws she thaws she thaws.

"I accept you," he whispers. "It's okay."


	6. Fault of a Bird

_**February 20 - 19 years old**_

"Touka-chan?"

Her head snaps up. _His_ eyes are wary, worried, analyzing her.

She looks away.

He clears his throat. "So, uh, what do you want to do, Touka-chan?"

Touka curls her knees to her chest and balances her bones on the mattress. If she holds herself very, very still, she can almost ignore the metal springs digging into her skin. "Whatever," she answers. Her finger traces a new pattern down the rough material of a nearby bed sheet. "We could _actually_ go window shopping today."

Her eyes flick to the pane of glass punched in the wall, orbs observing the streets and shops bustling with people. For a moment Touka thinks that her life is four walls of missed opportunities poured into concrete molds.

"I don't mind." Kaneki's voice is wavering with hesitation.

She feels nauseated.

"Why are you here?" Touka cuts in, talking softly to her fingers to avoid his olive gaze. She's studied her hands so thoroughly that she knows exactly where each bump and cut and bruise has ravaged her skin. Small hands. Slim fingers. She curls them into a fist and releases them to lose the tension. Kaneki still hasn't responded.

She looks up, glaring.

"J-Just thought I would pay you a visit," is all he says. The raven-haired male looks down at his feet sheepishly from the threshold of the doorway where he stood.

The blue-haired girl wanted to curse at him for bringing that delightful coffee scent into her apartment with him. Once she doesn't answer, he glances at her, concerned. "A-Are you alright?"

Touka doesn't answer his question. It's just strange to have to exert energy to move her lips to form words necessary to explain her actions. Anyone who knew she was a..a ghoul.. never treated her like an equal. Except him.

She tucks a piece of hair behind her ear only to change her mind. "Why do you stare so much?"

Immediately his profile flushes bright red, tips of his ears burning, and that careful gaze falls again as he scratches aimlessly at his cheek with a blunt fingernail. "Sorry..."

7 seconds of silence join the conversation.

"..You know I care about you, right, Touka-chan?"

She almost jumps.

Someone is sticking forks into her back as 15,000 feelings of disbelief is hole-punched into her heart. She's tempted by recklessness, _aching aching aching_, desperate forever for what she knows she can never have. Touka turns her back on him but can't seem to pause the lie from spilling out of her lips.

"Maybe I don't want you to."

There's the sound of nervous feet scuffing across the carpet and the bed creaks as Kaneki sits down beside her. She can sense his tension, how his muscles are stiff. No. He was wary of her.

"You're scared of me," she whispers to the walls.

"N-No, Touka-chan. That's not it-"

Her limbs feel numb, amputated. Her organs are dead, bones cracked, skin a sieve, punctured by pins and needles of pain. Her voice is flat. "Ever since I told you that I was a ghoul, you've been hesitant, tense. God damn it Kaneki!" She slams a fist onto the bed. The frame emits a creak and she notices notices _notices_ how Kaneki flinches at her motion. It makes her feel sick.

She looks slightly over her shoulder to get a glimpse of him, scared of what she would see. He's just staring at her, face worried. And his eyes. Oh. God. His eyes.

His eyes have caught the shade of gunmetal slates branded with ripened viridescent. Cut just right, even the lightest of gray and green couldn't hold light to the electric fire that burned each rim and flickered just under his glossy gaze.

"T-Touka-"

The walls are beginning to bleed into the ceiling. _Oh god, he was scared of her. He was scared. Kaneki was scared of **her** because she was a **monster. **_Touka can't distinguish words, she can't understand the sounds she's hearing, the blood is rushing through her head and her lips are two blocks of concrete that she can't crack open.

_He was scared of her, scared of her, scared of **her.**_

Her torso slumps. The floors are falling up.

* * *

><p>The darkness is choking her.<p>

Touka's dreams are bloody and bleeding and blood is bleeding all over her mind and she can't sleep anymore. The only dreams that ever used to give her peace were gone and she doesn't know how to get them back. All she knows is that when she closes her eyes, all there is to be seen is devastation and the wind is singing outside that window but it's high-pitched and off-key.

Touka feels like an old creaky staircase when she regains consciousness. She's freezing under her clothes.

Her first thought is that her hair is smooth, brushed out of its knots; it gleams in the light from that old window, a blue-ish river lapping the pale shore of her skin in soft, short waves.

Her sleepy eyes take inventory of the space she's in. Not that she really had to, because it was still her room.

Her bed suddenly feels like it's filled with broken clouds and freshly fallen snow; it's too soft, too comfy. Blinking soft lashes, the girl realizes that there's a glass of water on the table beside her bed.

_Where was Kaneki?_

She reaches for the water and the door opens. She rears her hand back and pulls the sheets up as high as they would go.

"H-How are you feeling?"

That voice makes her feel like her spine is about to snap in half. Touka, slowly, but surely, peeks her head over the blanket.

It's Kaneki. His hair is falling in his face, fingers gripping the doorway as he peeks in, olivine eyes glinting with genuine worry, a smattering of consternation. He takes his time breathing. He takes his time shifting in place. He takes his time studying her eyes, choosing his words, touching two fingers to his lips as a sign of anxiety. Kaneki seems to have dominated the concept of time.

Finding her voice, Touka manages a small scoff. "Idiot. Does it look like I'm dying to you?"

He gives a smile out of relief and small humiliation, teeth so white it looks like snow falling on the pallid valleys of his face. He takes a step in.

Touka's climbing a mountain of air and her feet keep slipping. She needs to get a grip on something.

"I'm glad to hear that. You've been out for seven minutes. I was getting ready to call 911.."

He studies her for _too_ long. His eyes are _too_ kind, humble. Smile _too_ awkward for his own good, but reassuring all the same. It makes butterflies dance in her stomach.

Touka rubs at her eyes and stands to her feet. Her hands thread through her hair and she brings her hostile gaze up towards Kaneki. "Did you brush my hair in hopes that it would wake me up?"

Kaneki's face blushes the brightest of reds Touka's ever seen.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>February 23 - 19 years old<br>**_

Kaneki and Touka are outside of Anteiku, chatting over coffee at one of the outdoor tables. It was chilly today, but the snow was gone, only to be replaced with a thin fog over Tokyo.

"-Spring is a good season, though, Touka-chan. It's when new animals are born," Kaneki explains, raising his cup to his chapped lips.

"No, it's just the time that animals just decide to have sex all at once." Touka scoffs, leaning back in her chair.

Kaneki spits out his beverage, clamping his hands over his mouth, coughing. His voice is muffled from behind his palm, shocked. "T-Touka-chan!"

She grins. Days like this were enjoyable. Nice. Just being with Kaneki made her feel more.. important.

Her smile is short-lived, because a bird decides to poop on her shoulder right then as it flew overhead. Touka knows just as it happens; she had heard the chalky wetness plop upon her coat. Kaneki doesn't seem to notice at first, until his eyes catch Touka's sudden frown of vexation. She almost flinches as those olive eyes fall upon her shoulder blade dripping with bird goo.

He almost falls backwards out of his chair and laughs. It's a laugh that stirs flurries awake in her stomach. Damn it.

Eyebrows drawing together, Touka digs her fingersnails into her palm and immediately lets free a string of curses that mash with Kaneki's tears of mirth. The raven-haired teen presses his lips _his lips his lips his lips his lips his lips his lips_ together in an attempt to end the chuckling, which only ends up in his mouth bursting open and letting out an even louder sniggering.

He closes his eyes tightly, shoulders shaking with uncontrollable laughter, and for a moment Touka finds herself marveling at the _drop drop drops_ of hot water caught in his eyelashes like pearls forged from the most hilarious thing in the world.

Calming himself after a solid 30 seconds, the boy gives a sheepish grin as he digs into his jacket pocket. His hand pulls out a napkin.

Touka can't help but wonder who the hell carried a random napkin with them.

And then before she could even register what was happening, his fingers inch up the side of her body as if he's struggling to keep them in one place. His eyes, _those _eyes are pinning her in place, drinking in the front half of her profile and _she's so she's so she's so_

_caught._

His fingertips are 10 points of electricity killing her with something she's never known before. Something she's always wanted to feel. Touka silently notes on how his ears are red. She can't determine if it's from the chill or sudden embarrassment. The first one seems like a better candidate. To her, at least. Touka also notes on how her face is suddenly burning, too.

Kaneki leans further over the table in order to reach her shoulder and Touka realizes that she's paying attention to nothing but the dandelions blowing wishes in her lungs. She notices how he licks his bottom lip for the smallest second and something in her brain bursts. Maybe a vessel. She doesn't know.

His fingers are a moment from her face and she's dripping burning melting in anticipation. He wipes away the white mess from her jacket and even after it's been swiped by the plush piece of paper towel, he stays put. They stare into each others eyes and it's only when Touka speaks up and looks down does he pull away with the speed of light.

"T-Thanks."

Kaneki gives a quick nod, leaning back in his chair as hard as he could as he settled the crumpled up napkin onto the table.

After a few uncomfortable moments, Touka peeks up at his features, at the crooked sheepish grin she wants to savor, the color of his eyes she'd use to paint a million pictures. She follows the line of his jaw down his neck to the peak of his collarbone; she memorizes the sculpted hills and valleys of both clavicles.

"I-I wish I knew what you were thinking, T-Touka-chan." Kaneki's voice jerks her eyes back up to settle on his. That awkward, tilted grin is upon his countenance as a finger scratches at his chin. "Your eyes are so calm, unbothered.. It's hard to tell what you're thinking."

Really? Was that how her eyes looked? Strange. Considering it felt as if her heart was about to explode a few seconds ago.


	7. Unraveled

**Note:** Thank you so much for all the reviews! Wow, I never thought this story would get this far. Sorry for such a bad update! :/ I just have one more thing to say- I'm sorry if you find a mistake with the dates. It's difficult keeping up with everything, and I may accidentally type something wrong. If so, please just try your best to ignore it! (I know there's lots of typos in here, haha.) Again, thank you for all the reviews and favorites. It means so much.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>February 28th - 19 years old<strong>_

It's hard to believe that she was just with Kaneki ten minutes ago chatting over a table of coffee before it started. The hunger. The pangs. The terrible feeling clawing at her throat. She'd gotten up ignoring Kaneki's worried questions before pulling her hood over her head and taking off down the street.

That's when she began thinking. Kaneki and her were synonyms but not the same. Synonyms swap stories, reminisce their origins and forget that though they are similar, they are entirely different, and though they share a certain set of attributes, one can never be the other. Because a quiet night is not the same as a silent one, a firm man is not the same as a steady one, and a bright light is not the same as a brilliant one because the way they wedge themselves into a sentence changes everything.

She knows they are not the same. He is human, she is ghoul.

Touka has really only spent her entire life fighting to be better. To be stronger. Really, she doesn't want to hurt anyone; but then she looks down at her own two hands and remembers what she's done and what she might do. Because it's much too difficult to fight what you cannot control and right now Touka couldn't even manage her own hunger as it gripped at her hair and dragged her into the dark.

Killing time really isn't as difficult as it sounds. Touka could shoot a hundred numbers through the chest and watch them bleed decimal points in the palm of her hand. She could rip the numbers off a clock and watch the hour hand tick tick tick its final tock before she fell asleep. In fact, she's been murdering minutes for hours and no one seems to mind.

More importantly, she's been murdering. Quite literally.

Touka rips into the corpse in front of her, bare hands and all. Blood is splattered on her face, both red eyes glowing its carmine glare throughout the alley's daft darkness. Her palms drip with ichor, the stench of metal and death reeking all around, claiming her as it's own. And it's strange.

Because it's like a real thing, this hunger.

She can feel it wrapping itself around her fingers like she could fling it in someone's face. She could feel it coiling itself around her spine, planting itself in her stomach and shooting branches down her legs, up her arms, through her neck. It's choking her. Choking her because it needs a release, needs relief. Needs more flesh to cease the ache.

It's like Touka's been stuffed with twigs and all she has to do is bend and her entire body will break. All the pent-up hunger inside of her has found an outlet and now it can't be controlled. Energy is coursing through her veins with a vigor she's never felt before and she's not even thinking but she has to do _something _she has to touch _something_ and she's now curling her fingers and bending her knees and pulling back her arm to

plunge

it

into

the

flesh

before

her

and

shovel

it

into

her

mouth.

The world looks so black and white from where she were, so easy to demolish and conquer. This was a hunger Touka's never felt before. It's a hunger so raw, so potent it's actually calming, like a feeling that's finally found its place, a feeling that finally sits comfortably as it settles into her bones.

She's become a mold for liquid metal, she thinks, as chunks of bloody tissue pass her lips. Thick, searing heat distributes itself throughout her body and the excess coats her hands in red, forging her fingertips with a strength so breathtaking, an energy so intense that the blue-haired girl is positive it may engulf her. Her mouth tastes like death.

She could do anything, eat anything.

_Anything._

"T-Touka..chan..."

She stops. She blinks. Stars explode and a new torture rages through her limbs in such a hurry that she can't bring herself to speak. Kaneki. No, god. No. Kaneki Ken. _Kaneki_ sees her.

Her head slowly rises, eyes pulsating back to their regular hues with two quick thumps of her burning heart.

Kaneki is standing there. His jaw is unhinged. His arms are slack at his sides, olivine eyes wide with worry and fear and a sliver of mortification and though he moves his lips, the raven-haired boy can't seem to make a sound.

Touka hasn't been able to spit the hot chalk out of her mouth long enough to string a sentence together. The only sound between them is the dripping of blood falling from her outstretched fingers, slipping down the sides of her mouth and staining her crackled lips velvet. She begins shaking in _fear_ and _agony_ and _painful_ realization; he's followed her here.

Her lavender orbs fall to her hands and at this bloodstained concrete and she wants to scream. Wants to run. She wants to curse the world for cursing her, for torturing her, for possibly taking away the only good thing she's ever known and now she's trying to stumble to her feet and towards the corner, searching for an _**outlet**_, for an _**escape**_ from this nightmare that is her _**life**_ but her knees keep _**buckling**_ and_** trembling**_ and

"T-Touka-"

His arm is trembling slightly as he outstretches it towards her, trying to stop her from 10 feet away and she wants to sob and laugh at the same time, at the hilarity of it all.

Kaneki will not touch her.

Touka will not allow him to touch her.

Never again.

She spins to face the other way, trying move away from him. He was scared of her. The way he was trembling, tensed, his eyes held that strong sense of fear. The way he was struggling with the emotion, struggling to find composure. Oh god, he was SCARED OF HER.

Touka's tripping to reach the alley's corner again, but her legs are still weak, her head is still spinning, and her eyes are blurring. She was desperate to run from him but unable to move. She could hurt him, she could hurt him, she would hurt him, she w**OULD**-

The world is washed of all its color once she feels familiar arms wrap around her, tugging backwards.

Kaneki looks at her with eyes so open, so vulnerable but his jaw is tight, muscles tense, upper body heaving from the effort to inhale, exhale. The fear he was containing was almost palpable as he held her.

No. This couldn't happen.

Touka freezes before going insane; she thrashes around, kicking, slapping, digging her fingernails at any unconcealed flesh. Whoever's red liquid sat upon her fingers left stains on his skin upon contact, his cheeks, his neck, wherever her flailing hands reigned upon. But Kaneki still didn't let go; his grip only constricts as he willingly faces her fit.

Once the girl realizes she can't get away, move away, run away, she falls limp, leaning into his frame.

His hands become arms around her waist, his lips become a cheek pressed to her cheek, his skin is _touching her touching her touching her_ and he's not screaming he's not dying he's not running away from her and she's crying.

She's choking

She's shaking shuddering splintering into teardrops and he's holding her like no one has ever held her before.

Touka's caught between him and the wall and she has nowhere to go and she wouldn't even want to go if she could. She doesn't want to have to fight this even though there's something inside of her screaming that it's wrong to be so selfish, to allow him to be with her if it'll only end up hurting him. But he's looking at her, looking at her like she's _killing _him and Touka realizes that she's hurting him more by staying away.

Screaming.

Screaming and sobbing like Touka's never done in her entire life.


	8. Stars

_**March 1st - 19 years old**_

Events from before didn't happen. Which isn't true. Because they _did_ happen, its just Kaneki acted like nothing did. It drove Touka insane. He'd caught her eating someone, a _human_, and the next day he'd appeared on her doorstep with that same smile and asked her if she wanted to get a coffee.

That was two days ago.

Today they both stood inside a store on the outskirts of the street, mainly because Kaneki wanted to get a look at this new china shop where all these hand-made ceramic figures were. Touka didn't particularly care for things like that, but being with Kaneki made her feel nice. Besides, she just wanted him to be happy.

The raven-haired boy picks up a glass cat, blinking at it. His eyes were so content, so calm. So casual. Touka could make out the figurine's reflection in the beautiful, glossy gaze. Her orbs flicker to his entire figure, drinking in his angelic, heavenly appearance.

Kaneki's hair. _His_ hair, dark and lustrous, had a sheen like fine hardwood. But that comparison isn't entirely fair, she supposed. Hardwood doesn't swish gently like his hair does, swaying with the words he speaks, the nervous laughs he emits. A shiny varnish catches the mere light around it, but the depths of that deep ebony reflected all the radiance of his smile.

_That_ beautiful black hair fell into his line of vision, strands against his perfect skin. Touka notes how his eyes too bright for their faded shade of laurel green. Whenever they landed on her, it made her heart pound.

She continues to study him as he sets down one item and moves to another, twirling everything in his fingers.

Touka studies his face more carefully-Kaneki's face, too innocent, too full of chastity for his own good. It's the kind of face that no one believes in anymore; lines and angles and easy symmetry that's almost offensive in it's perfection. No one should ever want a face like that. It's a face destined for danger, issues, for an outlet to overcompensate for the excess it stole from an unsuspecting citizen.

"I think this is cute. Don't you think, Touka-chan?"

Touka _freezes._ Humiliation climbs a branch up onto her neck and cheeks. She silently hoped that he hadn't noticed her terrible staring. It was becoming a nasty habit.

"Touka-chan?" As Kaneki spoke her name, he shifted his head slightly, and just as she'd thought, the light seeped down his hair only to barely settle on each strand. His soft eyes settle on her and she_ thaws_. He holds up the small glass dog that lay in between his index finger and thumb, awkwardly grinning. Touka quickly remembers her usual lines.

"Yeah. Sure. Whatever." A scoff.

"Do you hate dogs?" Sweet voice.

"No." Red hot tone.

Kaneki only manages a small chuckle and he sets the article back on the shelf, continuing down the aisles.

Touka blushes crossly, muttering curses under her breath, and slowly follows.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>March 5th - 19 years old<strong>_

Kaneki and Touka sat on a hill near the park, gazing up at the moon and stars. Their breathes came from their frozen throats in steady beats of smoke, heavy and labored against the chilling breeze.

Touka pulls her scarf over her mouth and snuggles into the muffler, blinking up at the moral of galaxies painted across the atmosphere.

Kaneki is busy sneaking glances at Touka while she's not looking, trying to decide if the girl were enjoying this. After all, _he_ was the one who called and asked her to come over here and watch the stars with him. _As friends. _

His olivine eyes study her for any freckle, blemish, or dot of emotion.

Blue and black and purple seem to be her signature colors. Her jacket is tailored to her frame, lean and curved, offset by the crisp wine red of her scarf and complimented by an undershirt the color of a dying rose.

She sat straight, unflinching. To anyone else she would look like a normal human. Only Kaneki knew. _Only he knew.._

Touka was the kind of girl who was only ever taught to be a young lady, who was told to erase the concept of childhood from her life's expectations.

More importantly, her lips do not dare to smile at the shining stars overhead, yet her nose does not crease in distress. Kaneki can't tell what she's thinking.

Kaneki _did_ know, though, that she was taught to disguise her emotions, to hide her thoughts from the world and to trust no one and nothing. Kaneki could see all of this so clearly.

But tonight she looked a bit different to him.

Her gaze was too heavy, her eyes, too deep. Her expression is too full of something Kaneki doesn't recognize. She's looking up at the white speckles in the dark sky like they were teasing her, like they left her to die after she wished upon them.

Her head swivels towards him suddenly and Kaneki almost jumps. Embarrassment floods his figure and he turns his head at the last second, pretending that he were staring up at the stars the entire time and not her. Kaneki swallows thickly. His lungs are liars, pretending they can't expand just to laugh at his expense and his fingers are fluttering, groping the ceramic object in his hoodie pocket as they struggled to escape the prison of bones as if they've waited 19 years to fly away.

"What's in your pocket?"

Her voice, so solid, so flat, startles him. Kaneki flinches and looks back at her, confused. _How did she know?_

"N-Nothing." He gives a nervous laugh and scratches the back of his neck bashfully. The boy can't seem to_ really _look at her. Touka now notices, and this catches her interest in an icy palm.

"Let me see."

This was it. This was when Kaneki's heart tried to escape the cage of his ribs. Oh well. Now or never. Gripping the cold item, he pulls it from his pocket. The stars reflect off of the object, giving it a soft, almost magical, glow. It was a glass figurine of a rabbit from the china shop.

His eyes, nervously, roll up to search her face for a look of anger, sadness, confusion, or maybe even embarrassment. She blinks those lavender eyes, the same glossy curtain of hair falling over her face.

Kaneki holds it higher, waiting for her to take it. For a moment he's scared she's going to slap him. But he's surprised to find the weight become removed from his palm. She's holding it, cheeks pink, and there's a part of him that secretly hopes its not because of the cold.

Touka is certainly aware that she's blushing. Her heart is almost bursting from her chest.

_He bought this.. for her?_

It almost seemed like she was dreaming. Gathering her composure, Touka glances up at Kaneki and manages a small thank you.

And Kaneki can't stop himself. Oh. God.

His hand, trembling, settles upon her cheek. The girl knows that the limb is shaking, just a little bit, just enough for her to feel the slight tremble against the pallid skin. She grips the bunny in her hand and is sure that she's nearly crushing it.

Touka's gaze snaps to his, confused, scared, desperate. He's holding her face like she's made of feathers. He's cupping her cheek and looking at his own hand like he can't believe he's caught this bird who always so desperate to hide. To fly away.

And that's when she decides: this hand that is touching her has never held a weapon. This hand has never touched death. This hand is perfect and kind and tender. And he leans in, so carefully. Breathing and not breathing and hearts beating between them and _he's so close, he's so close_ and she can't feel her own hands anymore. Touka can't feel the cold or the emptiness of the world because all she feels is Kaneki, everywhere, creating the night sky and the stars and the moon that's filled to the brim.

"K-Kanek-"

And he kisses her.

His chapped lips are softer than anything Touka's ever known, soft like a first snowfall, like biting into cotton candy, like melting and floating and being weightless in water. It's sweet, so effortlessly sweet.

Yet it's strong, desperate, like he had to have her, like he was dying to memorize the feel of her lips against his own. The taste of him was driving Touka crazy; he's all heat and coffee and peppermint and she has just begun reeling him in, pulling him into her once he breaks away.

His cheeks are bright red. He's breathing like he's lost his mind and he's looking at her like something has broken inside of him, like he's woken up to find his nightmares were just that, that they never existed, that it was all just a bad dream that felt far too real but now he's awake and he's safe and everything is going to be okay and

Touka's falling.

Touka's falling apart and into his heart and she's a disaster.

Kaneki's searching her, searching her eyes for something; for a yes or a no or maybe a cue to keep going and all Touka wants is to drown in him.

She looks away, blushing madly, and he does, too. They both sit in silence before he stands to his feet, not meeting her eyes. It makes her heart fall.

He lends her a hand, olive orbs averted to the side, and sputters quietly,

"I-I'll walk you back home."


	9. It Was Unitentional (I Swear)

**_Note:_ **Hiya! Sorry for such a terrible update. School has been taking its toll on me. I'm extremely stressed. I'm 13 years old, but dang, I have 9 projects due next week! I've been trying to get them done.

Which is why this chapter is so badly written and super short.

I'm so sorry.

Next chapter will be better. Thank you so much for your support and reviews!

Just-

Thank you.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>March 5th - 19 years old<strong>_

"S-Sorry!"

Warm hands soothe her thigh as a warm, damp cloth dabs at her wounds.

"Be careful."

The tender hands tug more tightly than needed at some bandages. Teeth pull nervously at a chapped bottom lip. "Why would you fight that other ghoul, Touka-chan? Y-You could've gotten hurt! _More _injured than you are now!"

Touka scoffs, trying to mask the pain that was throbbing in her bones. She glances to him, eyes sharp like ready knives. "They tried to eat you."

"You're injured. The ghoul was so much bigger than you-"

"_Kaneki_."

The raven-haired teen looks up to meet the girl's gaze.

Silence wedges itself between them for 7 stern seconds. Maybe Kaneki's eyes are filled with some kind of emotion.

But, oh, maybe it's only Touka's imagination because her lips are finished working and her heart has just expired and her mind has gone to hell for the day and _her eyes her eyes_ she thinks they're _bleeding_.

Touka swallows.

"Why…" The ghoul rests her fingers against the human's wrist, feels the steady pulse of his heart beating. "Why are you still friends with me?"

He takes a deep breath and tries to find the right words, the right way to explain that there are so many bigger, heavier issues to deal with, but when Kaneki looks back up, he finds Touka is still staring at him, waiting for an answer to a question he now realizes she's been trying hard to suppress. Something that must be eating away at her.

Kaneki blinks, those olivine eyes soft, warm, welcoming. He lets out a shaky breath that whisks Touka's bangs from her face, before leaning in and ghosting his crackled lips across hers.

He's trembling, she knows.

Slowly, Touka wraps herself around Kaneki, finally allows herself to slot the slope of her nose behind the black-haired boy's ear, to breathe in the deep scent that first lured her to this human.

"Y-You're my best friend," Kaneki mutters, as he wipes away the pearls with a soft thumb that he can sense are caught in the girl's dark lashes. He can see the pieces of himself reflected in liquid lilacs.

"Then that's all I am to you.." Touka whispers, arms encircling Kaneki's shoulders. He tenses under the touch, breath hitching. Trips over his own tongue in haste to reply.

"A friend."

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>March 8th - 19 years old<strong>_

"I love you."

His tone was small and shaking and so very scared.

"Oh."

She's unsure of her voice, of the hour and this day, of the words leaving her lips and this body that contains her.

The two letters and their small, startled sound run right out of Touka's mouth to seek refuge in a place far from here. She keeps wishing that she had the strength to look away from him in moments like this. She kept wishing her cheeks wouldn't so easily enflame. She kept wasting her wishes on stupid things, Touka thinks.

Her legs feel full of sand and stapled together, her mind overflowing with grains of indesion, choices unmade and impatient as time runs out of her body. The small hand of an invisible clock taps her at one and two, three and four, whispering hello, get up, it's time to snap out of it.

Everything the girl wants to say and everything she's wished to say begins to take shape, falling to the floor and scrambling upright. Paragraphs and paragraphs begin building walls around her, blocking and justifying as they find ways to fit together, linking and weaving and leaving no room for escape. And every single space between every unspoken word clambers up and into her open mouth, down her throat and into her chest, filling her with so much emptiness that she might just float away.

He's silent, then, his eyes imploring her for another answer. A reply.

Kaneki Ken has become both so familiar and foreign to Touka in such a short period of time; exactly and nothing like she thought he'd be.

He sighs shakily. Pushes his rolled-up shirtsleeves above his elbows; an act that she's never seen him do. Touka can't help but follow the movement, her lilac eyes lingering along his forearms. And she realizes, for the first time, that he doesn't sport any tattoos. It's not like she thought he would.. Maybe it was just-

"It's okay if you don't want to answer.. I-I can't say I desire your validation."

What was that supposed to mean?

"Kaneki-"

"I have no one to impress," he mutters. "No one who cares about what happens to me. The conversations I have with you are the longest I've ever had."

Her joints feel flimsy, her legs have lost their bones. She needs oxygen, needs a brain, needs to find her lungs—

"You deserve so much more than charity," he says, his bangs falling into his face. "You deserve to live. You deserve to be alive. I-I really care for you, Touka—"

And then he stops midexpletive, the words becoming substituted with a shaky gasp.

His eyes widen and drop to his stomach.

Touka's gaze follows, too.

Shards upon shards, splinters, carmine streaming _splinters_ flank the front of his torso. Thick blood drips from each wound. The flesh is torn, and almost every inch of his front is covered in dark red as he falls to his knees. He makes a choking noise, chin lifting and looking at her, eyes full of _pain and regret and angst and horror and confusion and betrayal and hurt and a terrible ache_

_What are those slivers?_

Touka must already know the answer because she can feel the revulsion bubbling up and unsettling her insides. She feels _horizontal_ and somehow still _tipping over_ and the holes in her head are _tearing open_ and she's staring at Kaneki on the _ground_ not even _six feet away_ and the girl isn't even sure that she's still _alive- _

Her body locks.

Her bones, her blood, her brain freezes in place, seizing in some kind of sudden, uncontrollable paralysis that spreads through her muscles so quickly that she can't seem to breathe. She's wheezing in deep, strained inhalations, and the walls won't stop swaying in front of her.

and Touka wants to die once she realizes

_she realizes she realizes she_ realizes

once her brain _registers_

that

those

fragments

**belong**

**to**

**her**

**kagune.**

* * *

><p><em>Hang tight<em>

_ Hold on_

_ Look up_

_ Stay strong_

_ Hang on_

_ Hold tight_

_ Look strong_

_ Stay up_

_ One day I might break_

_ One day I might_

_**b-r-e-a-k**_

_ free_


	10. Crackled Lips

_**March 11 - 19 years old**_

Kaneki is asleep and Touka silently thanks God because she doesn't think she could bear to listen to those painful groans any second longer. He sleeps now, just how Touka always imagined he would, with chapped lips slightly parted for little breaths, eyelashes soft and eyelids closed, an angel in resting.

Touka just wanted to believe that Kaneki drifted off like that, that it's the only reason. Not out of pain or discomfort or the sleeping medicine the doctors gave him to ease the agony strapping his entire torso.

Rest, Kaneki.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>March 21 - 19 years old<strong>_

As Kaneki sat snuggled under the covers of a bed in the local hospital, nose buried in a book about physics, he wished things hadn't changed.

He couldn't remember how many books he'd read about physics; how many paintings he'd viewed with strokes of yellow and orange and red spreading light across a canvas; how many images he had seen that people had taken with cameras of sunsets and stars. Eyes fluttering shut, he leaned his head back against a bleach-white pillow and breathed out the longing that had built up in his chest.

There were physical pains and then there were other pains, and then there was the space behind his eyes that he could see when he closed them, something liminal and vertiginous. In the blackness there he could see images of her – but Kaneki was never sure if they were real.

Yes, vivid images of Touka-chan filled his mind. She stood before a crescent moon, lopsided and silvery on a dark navy backdrop he knew as the sky. It sat like a crooked grin that his childhood friend Hide would give him just before stating he was hungry.

A blanket of stars that someone had lain across the sky, like glitter, danced and winked at him from so far away. If he just reached out his arm, could he dip his fingers into their dazzling, inky waters? A sunset, splaying its rays like fingers in all directions, amber and bronze and canary yellow and coral, threaded with lavender and dark sea green. It stretched out so far, fading in the distance where he couldn't see it anymore, but knew that it continued anyway.

But _her_, with dark hair and lavender eyes, was even more beautiful than the scenery itself.

_Kaneki._

There was no need to see her face to know the way she looked when she said his name. He could see Touka in his mind, hip leaning against a counter, arms crossed, brow pulled down in a scoff tied together with pure angst.

Kaneki squeezed his eyes shut tightly and the images faded away.

Darkness.

That was all he would ever know.

And it was terrible in knowing that Touka blamed herself for him being in the hospital.

She couldn't even bring herself to visit him because the guilt was too heavy, too real.

Yes, she had panicked and her kagune had taken form, but the raven-haired boy couldn't feel angry at his friend.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>March 24th - 19 years old<strong>_

Touka fiddled with her hands, shooting a glare at the nurse who had asked the question moments before.

_"Are you two dating?"_

She would've slapped the woman in the medical uniform without a problem, but it was the fact that she stood outside the door to Kaneki's room that stopped her. She had to face him. Unless she wanted to start over again, a life without Kaneki, a life without her best friend.

No. The girl wouldn't.

Touka felt too old for a new start, for a new beginning, too jaded to look for new companionship, anyway. The only thing she could imagine without Kaneki was a quiet life consisting of weekly visits to coffee shops, quiet mornings at home. She can imagine herself yearning for the mundane and its sheen of permanence and stability.

Touka didn't want that.

Without answering the rude lady, the blue-haired girl sweeps her bangs from her face and shoves the door open with a firm shoulder. It opens and artificial light floods her vision as she enters the room.

And there he is. So small, so frail, pale. But awake.

Oh, god. He's awake.

Touka moves for the door.

"Touka-chan..?"

The voice sends her heart spiraling. Turning ever so slowly, her eyes meet his and her legs almost break. Those olivine eyes, so honest, so soft, so kind. Touka can't do this. She can't. It's too much.

All at once those memories rush back to her, black and white, dipped in red and the stench of his sweet blood and_oh god-_

"Touka-chan."

And she can't stop herself.

The ghoul runs to the side of the bed and grasps his hand in hers, trembling. It's so cold, so bony. And to think he's only been in the hospital for two weeks and his bones are only just appearing. Of course it would be painful to eat once you've gotten impaled in the intestines multiple times.

Touka feels dizzy. Her weak legs cause her sway as her eyes search his face, desperate, so desperate.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Kaneki. It's all my fault. Please forgive me-"

His hand is on her cheek. His fingertips, so _soft_, so _gentle_, so_ tender_ sweep down her jawline and back up to cup the pallid skin. That little smile, the smile Touka's seen so many times before is enough to make her snap.

Touka's broken.

So, so very broken.

And he's too kind. Too fucking kind. Too blind to the wrongs of this world.

Kaneki's voice, soft and not sandpaper, sweet and not bitter, simple and not upset, settles themselves in her bones and wraps around her veins, cutting off any blood flow.

"It's okay, Touka-chan."

This makes her angry.

_So angry. So angry. So angry._

Touka bites her bottom lip, eyebrows furrowing, voice raising.

"No it's not. I'm a monster."

She notices how his eyes flicker to the door, suddenly cautious and wondering if anyone could hear them. His facial features were clean, but a shred of fear crosses them every second or so.

_Touka doesn't want to notice anymore._

But still he doesn't grow upset.

_It makes her angrier. _

She pushes his hand away from her face, shaking with fury, eyes narrowed into carved knives and pure vexation.

_Everything hurts._

"You tell me that stars shine the brightest on the darkest nights. But I am not a star. I am not something beautiful. I am not something that catches your eye. I am just me and I am nothing but a monster."

"Touka-"

"DAMN YOU! Damn you and your face, and your kindness, your humanity! Damn you, Kaneki Ken, and your forgiveness, damn you and everything! Damn this world..." Touka clutches at her heart, closes her eyes tight and chokes on a breath. Curses at her attitude and breathes in. Once. Twice. Turns to leave.

A hand grasps at her wrist, tugging backwards. And Touka knows it's him.

Damn Kaneki. Even his jerking is gentle. She grasps enough courage to lift her chin and glare at the boy in the bed holding her in place.

He looks confused. Surprised. But definitely not angry. Kaneki's self-control bewilders her.

A soft frown tugs his features into place.

"You're Touka-chan. And I think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen."

His words ache.

His words hurt.

His words cause agony to the open holes in Touka's head.

And then her own words, those words, _the _words she's been holding captive for so long tumble out in a jumble of syllables.

"I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you, Kaneki, I love you, and I love you-"

Lips. So soft. The faint taste of coffee lingers in the cracks of them. So hungry. So so so _hungry. _She never knew how starved those crackled cushions were.

And then it's over. Too fast, in Touka's opinion.

Kaneki pulls away, and that's when the blue-haired female notices that he'd almost fallen out of the bed to reach her. She pushes him back a little, allowing Kaneki to lean against her somewhat.

And they both stare into each others eyes, orbs careful and genuine. It takes nothing at all to allow themselves to become lost in both beings, both very different and separate worlds.

Touka thinks that maybe this could work. A ghoul and a human. Maybe. It just might.

She's the one to lean in again.


	11. Peeling Lips

_**Note:**_Sorry I haven't been able to update in a while! I've been caught up in school. ;w; This chapter is mainly just about the two cuties being hella awkward. vuv Enjoy!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>April 2 - 19 years old<strong>_

"Your hair's getting too long."

Kaneki glanced round to see Touka ogling at him from over the top of a paper cup emitting steam.

"Probably time we cut it," she muttered, taking a sip from her beverage and setting it onto the desk before them while stealing a glance at the clock.

"W-Wah? But I don't have time.. or the money.." Kaneki quietly informed her, placing his own coffee cup on the desktop beside his unfinished homework. "You made it uneven the last time." He almost shuddered as he remembered the shaggy tufts of hair that had taken weeks to grow out.

Touka shrugged. "We were what, seven? Besides, I'll be careful this time." Her fingers ran through her own fringe that was just getting to the stage where it just about reached her collarbones. "Come on Kaneki, I _swear_ I'll be careful this time. You're starting to look like a dog."

Kaneki huffed and ruffled the tousled hair on the top of his own head. He supposed it _was_ getting a little long. And it was the end of the day, so there wasn't much else to do except get food and sleep. He sighed.

With an understanding only inherited through years of friendship, Kaneki nodded and strode across the room to close the door to his room. There had been a pair of scissors lying around here earlier, as well as a chipped hand-mirror.

After eventually finding a red pair of shears from underneath the bed, Touka pulled the chair out from the escritoire and sloppily plopped it down in the middle of the room.

"Then _I'm_ cutting _your_ hair after, Touka-chan," Kaneki announced before sitting down with one leg crossed over the other. If Touka did an uneven job on his hair, he would do an uneven job on hers. _Maybe._

"No way." Touka waltzed back over with tools in hand, nose scrunched. "Alright.. How the hell do you cut hair?"

"Forget it. I'm leaving!" Kaneki moved to get out of the chair, but Touka's hand on his shoulder forced him back down. Her stiff palm held his head in place.

"I'm going to cut this hair whether you like it or not, Kaneki. Sit still or else it _will_ be uneven. Hide won't even want to look at you then."

With a small sigh, Kaneki placed his arms by his sides and closed his eyes. May as well get this over with. With a small snort, Touka got to work. The sound of metal snipping by the raven-haired boys ears was oddly soothing.

He sighed. The metal scraped by.

Touka's fingers brushed against his shoulder, dusting off the hairs. Her hand ruffled the top of his head.

"I still don't understand this style," she commented, throwing in a scoff towards the end.

Kaneki gave a soft frown that tugged his features into place. "My mother cut it like this since I was a kid. It's the same way she cut my father's hair. This is how it's always been."

"Yeah." Touka's fingers ran past the black stands. "It's just awkward to get it looking right."

"Well of course it will be awkward if you keep talking, Touka-chan!" He didn't mean to sound snappy, but man, was he scared.

The scissors moved again, metal scraping together and sending a light flurry of hair down around his shoulders.

His mother would be so proud of him, wouldn't she? Her little Kaneki letting his girlfriend snip his hair. It always took some bribing with a cookie or popcorn to let his mom snip a few ends off.

And all of a sudden the fingers on Kaneki's neck paused. He could feel the chill of sly flesh against his skin. Touka naturally had cold hands; Kaneki wasn't sure if it were the effects of being a ghoul. So did he, for that matter, but only because of poor blood circulation. It was strange, how different they seemed.

He slightly shivered as her thumb ran over the back of his head. The hair there was very feathery. Kaneki gave a small sigh.

Touka was so kind. Even if she expressed it differently than other people, she was still kind. Even if she acted so distant, it was obvious she cared about the people around her. Kaneki was jealous of her. How strong she was.

Touka's hands once again ran through the hair on either side of Kaneki's face, causing his eyes to flicker open. He nearly jumped with a start. She was right in front of him and staring with a small frown, hips cocked, scissors hanging from her hand.

"Touka-chan-" Kaneki started, but the words died in his throat as her respond came quick.

She shook her head. "I'm making sure it's even, since that was so important to you. Sit still." Fingertips continuously whispered over slight stubble and thumbs caressed the soft, longer hair falling into his vision. Kaneki blinked, but didn't close his eyes again. He wanted to watch her, even though he felt his ears beginning to heat up in embarrassment.

There were dark triangles tumbling in her eyes, shades of heavy lavender and cotton lilac. But now for the first time Kaneki noticed that were slight scatters of freckles across her nose, if you squinted just enough and focused hard. They were almost imperceptible, after all. Barely a fraction of a shade darker than her pallid skin tone.

Kaneki blinked at them. Touka sniffed and wrinkled her nose as her fingers ran softly over his hair. Very softly. _Too softly._

He didn't dare move, even if he maybe wanted to a _little_ bit. Perhaps. The feeling of Touka's fingers just resting on the side of his head was oddly soothing. It was certainly a much more comforting form of contact than what he was used to. The only other human touch he had were the affable shoulder punches and forehead-flicks executed by Hide.

Kaneki realized then that the calm touches on the side of his head were still for a long time. Sometimes there were slight twitches of movement.

Then the contact began to _slowly_ move down to his cheeks. He clenched his jaw at the touch, but forced his muscles to relax, while his brain began sub-consciously taking notes of the situation. The way Touka looked down at him, how her teeth nervously pulled at her bottom lip, how her hands touched his face with such a delicacy that seemed as if he might break any second.

The teenage boy's jaw clenched and the muscles in his cheeks flexed against Touka's digits. He suddenly wants to pull her close. Memories of the hospital crashes in his head, dominance taking over the heated thoughts from before.

And she was getting closer, now. How?

_What's happening-_

Something warm brushed softly across his mouth, and even though he was staring forward at her skin and feeling her light fondles on his cheeks, it took him a few seconds to register what was actually happening. A kiss. Touka was kissing him.

Kaneki's brain froze.

It wasn't that weird, though, was it? Considering they were dating now... weren't they?

Deciding that things weren't going how they should be and feeling the sudden realization that he didn't really know _exactly_ how to kiss someone, Kaneki stiffened in the chair. His hands balled up into fists on his knees and his spine straightened to an impossible degree. _That_ and his lips seemed to retract so that they formed a thin line over his teeth.

Sensing the change, Touka pulled away. She blinked in puzzlement and her cheeks went slightly pink.

"I guess I misread things? I thought we were.." The girl gave a frown and let her hands drop away from the sides of his face. The places where her palms had been felt empty without them.

"N-No! I mean, we are! I think.. I-I mean, if you want...to.." Kaneki starts, shifting in his seat a bit, glancing up at her innocently. He could feel his face flushing.

Touka, despite his stupid and indecisive attitude, gave her usual scornful derision before nodding. "Mm.. Well, while we're cutting hair and stuff, I don't think you'd mind trimming mine in the back. It's gotten to the base of my neck, and it's really uncomfortable now that I think about it."

After a quick change of placement, Touka was the one in the chair and Kaneki was the one holding the scissors.

And then something happened after only a few minutes of snipping away the blueish-strands cloaking Touka's nape.

Sure, she had been the first one to kiss him ever, but Kaneki could have left. Instead, he was just standing there and leaning down over her. So close that he could count each individual eyelash. Every neatly combed hair in her virtuous eyebrows was visible.

He closed the scissors down.

A single strand of hair drifted past.

That tiny brush of her lips was making his brain twist itself into knots, even causing him to lick his own. They still tingled from before.

Being so close, Kaneki's observations became more magnified. He noticed that her mouth was open slightly, just enough to reveal the edge of once incisor. There was a little white line along the edge of her lower lip where dry skin was beginning to peel away.

It was a couple more seconds before it came to Kaneki's attention that he hadn't move a muscle since he started staring at Touka's chapped lip. Oh, god. He probably looks so stupid.

"Kaneki?" Her mouth moved, causing his eyes to dart upwards. She must've noticed how he'd stopped snipping. "Is something wrong? I swear, if you _ruined_ my hair-"

Her eyes open to see Kaneki inches away from her face. What a twist of events.

His eyes were the same olivine green as she's remembered through all the years.

Kaneki didn't really register what was happening until he closed the short distance between them and kissed his best friend right on those slightly chapped and flaking lips of hers.

If you could call it a kiss. It was really more of a bumping motion with mouth hitting mouth. Instead of a great uplifting sensation as if they were floating like that one time in the hospital, the two stayed in an awkward position with feet very much on the ground. Kaneki realized it was rather uncomfortable to bend his back like that. They broke apart almost instantly.

Touka was blushing, but she managed to smile slightly. "Wow, uh, okay. Maybe I should lead next time."

Kaneki didn't answer. He straightened up and threw the scissors onto a nearby table with a huff. That had certainly worked out well.

"U-Uh, well, y-you're hair is done. Look in the mirror."

There was a scraping of a chair. Hands on his elbows, turning him 'round.

Due to the differences in heights, Kaneki was left staring directly at Touka's nose. He can't help but let his olive orbs sweep down to that mouth of hers again. Why was he so attracted to those softly peeling, pink cushions?

Her teeth were revealed in all their straight and pearl-like glory with the way she was smiling. It made Kaneki nearly choke on his spit. It also made that same minute jolt of electricity flicker over his own lips.

Frigid fingers gently placed themselves on his chin to angle his face downwards.

"You didn't answer me."

Kaneki kept his face as steely as possible. "Answer what?"

"It was an indirect question. I was your first kiss, wasn't I?" Touka's teasing grin was far too wide to be asking something like that.

The bristles of hair pricked up all along his neck. "No. Not like you have, either, Touka-"

"Yeah. I have."

Well that made Kaneki start backwards. "What? You have? When?" He scoured his memories to think of a time when they weren't hanging out to where Touka could have kissed someone. Who had shown an interest in her? Most of the time she'd hung out with him. No, there was no way Touka Kirishima could have kissed someone before. _Absolutely no way._

Except she was snorted and gave a laugh that sounded more like a scoff. "Back in ninth grade. I kissed Bradley Achor. Do you remember him? No big deal."

Those words made Kaneki's blood run cold. So it was 'no big deal', was it? Being close enough to someone so that you press your lips to theirs and hold their hand and hug them have your nose rubbing against theirs was apparently 'no big deal'? Humanity was beyond all hope.

Touka's pale digits pressed gently against his skin. "Here, I'll show you. Just relax your mouth a little bit, okay?"

Kaneki did so. His lips parted slightly. Touka rolled her eyes at his attempt and leaned in.

That time it was better. Softer and sweeter and lasting the barest fraction of a second before she pulled away.

"Now _you_ try kissing _me_ like that." The lavender-eyed female let her hands drop to his sides.

Turns out Kaneki wasn't as gentle and his fingers perhaps pressed too hard into Touka's chin, but he tried to keep his own lips as soft as possible. Instead of leaning down, he tugged her up that little bit. Once more it was soft and sweet, but it lasted a few seconds more before they finally parted.

"W-Was that better?" Kaneki questioned, face becoming a dark shard of vermilion.

Touka nodded. "You just needed a little practice." She chuckled. "You've always been a quick learn-"

He couldn't help it. She was right there.

Kaneki closed the gap down again. This time was the longest of all, with fingers running lightly over clothes._ Skin_ and _fingertips_ and _chapped lips_ pressed softly against one another. Touka's hands came to the small of his back and pulled him closer. Eventually it came to an end, too soon.

"Hng-Okay, okay, chill out. You've only just learned, idiot," Touka blurted, eyebrows furrowing together in a mocking manner as she slapped him on the shoulder playfully.

She paused for a moment before slotting her nose behind his ear.

Kaneki managed let out a struggled laugh before tapping her on the back with an index finger. "Mm... Do you want to get a coffee? I kind of want some now.." He stepped away, bashfully.

"Tch." Touka held out a hand. "Well?"

He looked at it. Pale-ness and cuts and scrapes across the pads of her palms.

Their fingers interlocked perfectly. Like they were made for each other.

"I've been meaning to do that for a while, actually," Touka admitted on their way out. "I planned the whole hair cutting thing last night." She turned the knob to the door as they stepped outside. It was warm today.

Kaneki raised one eyebrow. "Ehhh? Touka-chan.. You mean kissing me?!"

Touka shrugged. "Yeah."

He squeezed her hand. A look out of the corner of his eye. "...Y-You should have done it sooner."

"Y-Yeah. Maybe."

"M-Mhm!" Kaneki slowly brought up their hands and roughly kissed his girlfriend's knuckles. "But I-If you had taught me before, I could have been doing _that_ a lot more often."

She sneered. "I'll remember next time."


End file.
